“I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.”
“Someone needs to sit him down and say, ‘You are not a big black thug. You are just like your shoes: ordinary and completely white.” On Justin Bieber
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
“I am praying, [because] I like Kim, that this relationship lasts for her sake, because she is running out of black men. You do know she thinks Kanye is the one, don’t you? Which is why she waited on the second night to [expletive] him.” On Kim Kardashian
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. “
“That baby is ugly…I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of waxing.” On Northwest
“Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try to play John F. Kennedy’s wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it.”
“I hate thin people. Oh does this tampon make me look fat?”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
“Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.”
“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”
“
I’ve had so much plastic surgery,when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
Get ready Meryl Streep for a performance of a lifetime: “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
